Cheating Defined

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

In order to make it perfectly clear what stance we are taking on infidelity in this book, I would like to start by defining the term in some detail. It is important that you and your partner see eye-to-eye on what an affair means.

I have seen clients who disagreed with their partner about the extent of their infidelity because they “only had oral sex,” “only had internet sex,” “only held each other,” or perhaps, “only talked (but the talking was intimate).” In terms of healing your relationship and rebuilding your life together, these kinds of distinctions make little difference if your bond has been broken.

Our culture at large tends to define infidelity as a covert sexual act between two people, at least one of whom is involved in a committed relationship with another person. This idiomatic vision of infidelity doesn’t cover all the bases, and it doesn’t begin to identify how people are harmed by it.

A look at the dictionary gives us a clearer picture of the definition I abide by in understanding infidelity. Webster’s Dictionary defines infidelity as “marital unfaithfulness.” That’s a broad, subtle, indistinct way of defining it. As such, I feel it is entirely appropriate.

When you entered into your relationship, you made a number of implicit agreements. One of these was that you would honor your partner and your relationship with your partner and remain faithful to your partner and the relationship. These needn’t be wedding vows (though perhaps they are that much more powerful when they are). These things simply define what it means to be in a committed relationship in our social environment.

An act of unfaithfulness is what constitutes infidelity. That could mean any number of things contingent on the nature of your particular relationship. It is highly unlikely that you had “no idea” of what your partner would expect in this regard. Most of us have a basic set of standards about what it means to be faithful. You knew that when you entered into the relationship.

Rationalizing our actions is something we humans are incredibly adept at. So adept that we even fool ourselves with our rationalizations and cling to them even in the light of obvious evidence to the contrary. We often fail to see the truth until it’s too late.

As a therapist who helps people overcome the pain that has been caused by an affair, I have heard every excuse in the book from people who cheat on their partners. “I didn’t know he would get so upset about oral sex,” “We weren’t doing that. She’s married and we’re just friends,” “But we weren’t even having sex. I spent the night over there and we just held each other all night,” and “He was very upset, you couldn’t expect me to just abandon him, could you?” are just a few examples.

Think about it this way. What if your partner could read your thoughts and hear your thinking that lead to the affair. Were there thoughts that would have embarrassed or ashamed you? Would there be any question about it then? I think that’s very unlikely if you have opened this book and started reading this chapter.

Lying to yourself or to your partner about this isn’t going to make your situation any better. In the end, you will cause yourself and the people around you more pain if you can’t come to accept the fact that you lied to and cheated on your partner.

Even in the rare event that “nothing happened” or you were caught before it went too far, you were still the party in this relationship that acted in a faithless manner. If you were “caught,” doesn’t that imply that you “did something wrong.”

The affair is always the cheater’s fault and you need to come to terms with that now, rather than trying to hedge your bets by finding technicalities you can excuse yourself on. It doesn’t matter how awful things were in your relationship or even if you were kicked out of the house for the night; you still violated the bond of your relationship. If you stay wrapped up in this kind of mindset, you will never get past the affair.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com