Facing the Challenges of Rebuilding Your Relationship

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Now that we have looked at some of the common emotions you probably are facing, it is time to learn how to cope with those emotions in healthy and helpful ways.

Managing Guilt

Your experience with guilt is going to be different than your partner’s experience with it. The injured person’s experience of guilt (if there is one at all) usually comes from an ill-founded sense that they are somehow responsible for the affair. This is not the case, and I have tried to help them realize that this is not the case throughout the previous two sections of the book.

You are responsible for the affair. Even if your partner was horrible to you, you are still the one who chose to have an affair. That means that the guilt you are feeling actually is justified and should be part of your experience as you heal.

The good thing about guilt is that it shows you care, and it gives you a good road sign so you know you’ve done something wrong. Problems develop when guilt is taken to extremes and people get so bogged down in it that they feel constantly tormented. This is problematic because it doesn’t serve anything, and it can get in the way of the healing process.

Self-forgiveness

Learning how to forgive yourself and be compassionate with yourself is difficult for most people. We all expect so much out of ourselves that we don’t allow much space for this type of self-care. Self-forgiveness is especially difficult when you have done something wrong, and in the process, hurt people that you care about, as is the case with an affair.

You don’t want to forgive yourself so quickly and so easily that you minimize what you did. Your feelings of guilt exist for a reason. Don’t try and forgive yourself so that you can get this difficult period over with. That isn’t helpful either. You can’t get away with saying, “I’m sorry for what I did, now let’s move on and forget about it.” This attitude of quickly moving on minimizes and discounts your partner’s feelings.

Coping with Loneliness

Both partners are bound to feel lonely when they are confronted with an affair, but the cheater often feels greater loneliness than the injured because they are often removed from more of the people they once relied on for human contact and support. This includes their partner, the person they were having the affair with, and, in some cases, friends and family.

I recommended that you get in touch with the people who care about you for support, but that you not to go to your friends as the constant sad sack.

One thing to be aware of when engaging with other people is that you make sure that your partner knows what you are doing, that you aren’t with the person you were involved with or anyone else who could remotely be a threat to your relationship, and when you are coming home.

In addition, you don’t want to use these opportunities as a way to engage in more illicit behavior. Do not take someone out to lunch that you are attracted to or who is attracted to you. Better still, avoid meeting one-on-one with anyone of your preferred gender. That isn’t a solution; it just compounds the problem. Know yourself. Watch yourself. And give yourself what you need, within very safe bounds.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com