How to Cope with the Initial Trauma of an Affair

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

When you learn that the person you built your life around was unfaithful to you, the sense of betrayal can be almost unbearable. In a single moment, you are ripped from a life you have counted on and felt safe in. You may feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under you and now you are standing on nothing at all. Your relationship was a foundation for your life; now that it is gone, what can you possibly do?

In the midst of this, you look outside for reasons this happened. You demand explanations for what has happened to the life you worked so hard and took so long to build. You tend to focus outward, hoping that something will happen to make the pain you feel go away or, at least, subside for a little while.

More than anything, you probably just want it all to go away. You want to go back to the life you knew, to the life you thought was safe; to the stable life you thought you had with your loved one. If this is what you want, it is possible. In fact, it is possible for you to actually build a better relationship than you have ever had with the person with whom you share your life. But this journey will take some time and effort.

The first step on this path to recovery is to stop looking outside for emotional healing and start looking within. It may seem contradictory at first, but you must accept that the affair has happened and take a careful look at how it is affecting your thoughts and feelings. Once you have done this, you can start to help yourself heal from the emotional trauma you are experiencing right now.

Shockwave #1: “How could this happen?”

On the one hand, the question reveals a kind of disbelief on the part of the injured. Never in their wildest dreams would they have believed something like this could happen to them. Most people can’t.

Shockwave #2: “How long has this been going on without my knowing it?”

People often ask this question because they feel foolish and blind for missing the fact that their partners were having affairs. Not only do people feel deceived, they often feel betrayed or played like “suckers.”

You are being too hard on yourself if you are criticizing yourself as a dope for being deceived. The fact that you trusted your partner and didn’t “see it coming” isn’t a detriment to your character.

Shockwave #3: “How many people know about it?”

You may find yourself wanting to know if other people in your circle of friends and family know about the affair. You may even feel betrayed if you find out they did know about the affair and didn’t tell you about it. These feelings are all very normal.

Shockwave #4: “How could my partner do this to me?”

This is the ultimate question about betrayal. And it isn’t an easy nut to crack. In the course of the work on which you are embarking in this system, you will be offered an answer to this question. It isn’t as distinct as you might hope.

For now, I encourage you to leave questions of this nature out of your exploration about the affair and how it has impacted your life as best you can. Turn the energy spent on this kind of questioning inward, and start looking for ways you can heal from the terrible damage done to you by the affair. Focusing inward rather than outward will be much more rewarding.

Shockwave #5: “How can I ever trust my partner again?”

This is a very reasonable question. When you count on one person to provide a safe environment for you to love them and that person betrays your trust, it might seem you will never be able to trust them again.

Shockwave #6: “Have there been other affairs or is this it?”

This is one of those questions for which you might never get a satisfactory answer. The sad truth is that when a cheater cheats once, they are more likely to do so again. This is particularly true if they had a “good” experience with the first infidelity. If that was the case, it can easily establish a strong reinforcer for doing it again.

Shockwave #7: “Am I overreacting?”

The short answer to this question is “No, you aren’t.” If you are having powerful negative feelings about the fact that your partner cheated on you, this is perfectly normal.

When fidelity is violated, it might feel as though the fidelity itself was solely responsible for the safety and stability you felt in your relationship. If this trust is broken, it can feel as if the whole world suddenly became an unsafe place. In some ways, it has. Your world is less safe than you once knew.

Shockwave #8: “Am I being a doormat?”

You have to know that this is your life. No one else is going to live the consequences of your decisions and actions. The love you feel is special and perhaps too rare in this world. If you want to make your relationship work, you can – but not by yourself – it definitely takes both of you working to improve your relationship to make it successful. And it doesn’t necessarily mean you are a doormat; you might just be the bigger person.

Shockwave #9: “Does this mean the relationship is over?”

Not if you don’t want it to be. If you are invested in this relationship and want to make it work, you can. You can make it better than you ever dreamed possible.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com