My 3-Step Method for Coming into Agreement

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Step 1: Stating What You Need to Come into Agreement About

The first thing you need to do to come into agreement is to make a definitive statement about what you need to come into agreement about. This could be anything that you are struggling with or need some reassurance about in your relationship. It could be a relatively trivial matter or one that is truly troubling your relationship. Whatever it is, it needs to be specific so that you can look at specific actions you might take to change it.

The main thing in this step is to focus on what you really want to come into agreement about. Try and figure out the specific issue that is plaguing you, and focus on that.

When you come into agreement about issues where you have different starting points, over time there should be a good mixture of final solutions that include some things going your way and some going your partner’s way. But most solutions you come to should be compromises where both of you are satisfied with the outcome.

Step 2: Figuring out Solutions to the Problem

The next step in the process is to figure out a solution to the problem you are facing or a statement of reassurance about the issue you are discussing. Again, this is as varied as individuals are, and you might come up with a million different solutions for a million different problems.

The first thing to do is to think of all possible solutions to your problem without evaluating them. Even consider ones that are silly. Write them down.

Make a copy of the list and give it to your partner. Each of you should go through the list and evaluate each potential solution twice on a scale from 1 to 10. First you will evaluate how much you like each solution. Then evaluate how important it is to you to have this specific solution be the final outcome.

Once you make your evaluations share your numbers and discuss which of the proposed solutions actually addresses and fixes the problem that has been raised, if any of them do. Remember, in the end you want to decide on some course of action that is practical. If you are struggling with deciding who will pick up the kids from school, hiring a limo service to do it is probably not a very realistic solution for you. Keep it real. You might have to add new solutions or look at compromise positions if you don’t come up with a good solution in your first round of brainstorming and communicating.

Step 3: Putting Your Plan into Effect

The final step in this process is to do what you say you are going to do. Once you come up with a solution (or a series of solutions) that you both agree is workable, it is time to put that plan of action into effect and see if it works.

This means that both of you will have to make a conscientious effort to do what you say you are going to do. Simply coming up with an answer and not acting on it won’t get you very far. Do what you say you will. This is an important component in establishing or re-establishing trust.

You might want to check in about the plan of action you have put into effect and see whether it is working for you. You might check in each week until you are sure that what you have come into agreement about is actually working for both of you and your relationship.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

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