The 10 Critical Dimensions of a Relationship

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Though you might understand that neglect caused your relationship to end up in the position it is in right now, it is likely that it is not completely clear to you where neglect has been affecting it the most.

In order to clarify where the neglect occurred and exactly what you need out of your relationship, we will explore the 10 critical dimensions of your relationship in some detail.

The 10 critical dimensions to every relationship are:

1.      Emotions

2.      Romance

3.      Responsibility

4.      Companionship

5.      Appreciation

6.      Trust

7.      Family Relations

8.      Intimacy

9.      Sex

10. Letting Go

In the text that follows, I will describe each of these dimensions, and I will ask you a number of questions that you should carefully consider. (There will also be references to associated exercises in the workbook for those of you who have that component of the program.) When you consider these questions, I request that you do the following things:

»        Consider the questions from your own perspective. Think about the questions in terms of you. It is important that you get a real sense of what your own needs are in the relationship. The first step to getting your needs met is making sure that you know what they are.

You should refrain from contemplating what your partner might think of your needs. This is a deadly trap because there is no way to be honest with yourself if you are worrying about what they might think.

»        Be completely honest. Be completely honest with yourself. Answer the questions with total honesty. If you don’t, you aren’t going to reveal your true needs. This isn’t effective for you, and it isn’t effective for the relationship.

If you are shy about your needs or feel undeserving, give that up for a moment, and look at what you ideally would like to see in your relationship, for the purpose of exploration. Later, you can scale back to what is possible. This is important information to have. It will give you a guiding light to what your relationship can become.

»        Be persistent with yourself. As I mentioned earlier, some people have a difficult time locating what they need. They either think that they don’t need anything or they are so afraid of what they might need that they are unwilling to express it.

Look inside, and find what you need. It’s there. Be persistent. Do not settle for answers like, “I don’t know,” “I don’t care,” “I don’t really need anything,” etc. Almost every person who picks up this book will find that they need something in each of the dimensions addressed.

»        Be thorough. Look at each section, and answer each question as completely as you can. Take your time, and be thorough. Don’t rush through this process in the hopes that you will be able to heal faster. Time is an important factor. Give yourself all the time you need.

Once you take the time necessary to explore each of the ten dimensions completely, it is time to make the next step toward healing. It is now time to make more regular contact, if you aren’t already, with your partner and begin to address the issues in your relationship.

Some stress or trepidation at this point is okay, but if reading that sentence causes you undo stress or you are significantly worried that you aren’t yet prepared, stop. There is absolutely no reason to rush into this. If you try and rush into it before you are ready you will cause more harm than good. Take as much time as you need.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com