The Four Roadblocks to Healing

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Before we start exploring what is going on for you specifically, we need to look at four emotions most people face that can present a real detriment to your healing process if you get bound up in them. The problem with these roadblocks isn’t necessarily the emotions themselves. It’s the fact that getting caught in the emotions can keep you from taking the necessary steps toward healing yourself and your relationship.

When any of these four emotions arise, it’s time to take a step back, look at them for what they are, and use the coping strategies I offer in order to get yourself back on the path toward a better-than-ever relationship.

Monster Emotion #1: Jealousy

This ugly green monster is real trouble. It is also perfectly natural, which is one of the things that makes it so hard to deal with and so hard to overcome.

When you are faced with the reality that the person you love most in the world has been spending time and showing affection to another, you are bound to feel jealous: jealous over the affection not shown to you, jealous of the time they spent together, even jealous of the idea that the other person might be a better lover than you.

If you see this green monster rear its ugly head, keep the following things in mind:

»        Do not act rashly on your jealous feelings. If you feel the desire to act on your jealousy, take a moment to step back and think about what you are planning to do. You know, even when you take a medication that is supposed to be good for you, there are potential side effects. So consider the potential side effects of your planned actions. If the probable benefit outweighs the possible side effects, it could be the right action to take. However, if you take a good, hard, honest look at what your jealousy is asking you to do and you see that the risks are high, perhaps you should refrain from acting at this time and look for an alternative way to handle your feelings.

»        Talk to someone about it. This is actually a piece of advice that you should act on any time you feel overwhelmed by your emotions. Take advantage of the resources you have. You probably have people around you who love you, want to help you, and will lend an ear. Talk to them rather than letting your feelings of jealousy consume you.

»        Keep this in mind if it is true for you: the cheater has chosen to stay with you, not the paramour. If you are trying to work things out with your partner, remember one important thing: they want to be with you. They have chosen you over the other person. Remembering this can really help when you feel yourself getting caught up in a fit of jealousy.

Monster Emotion #2: Uncertainty

The truth is that at this early stage you can’t be quite sure how things will work out. That much is true. But then, could you ever be truly certain?

You are going to face uncertain times, but that doesn’t mean that you will never have a feeling of stability again. It can and will come back. Even the passage of time will help because time does heal many hurts and typically returns you to where things were.

Remember all the things in your life that are certain. No matter who you are or what situation you are in, there are things in your life that are certain: the sun will rise tomorrow; you will have air to breath. And there are those things that are almost certain: you will eat another meal; you will sleep in a bed. Take out your workbook, and make a list of all the things in your life that are certain. When you feel uncertain, open it up and read the list. Meditate on it.

Monster Emotion #3: Shame

Many people feel deeply ashamed when they are injured by an affair. They might get attached to the idea that it happened because they weren’t a good enough partner or they worry that someone else will find out about the affair and they will be humiliated. When these two concerns are taken together, you might feel ashamed because you are worried that everyone will think you weren’t a good enough partner.

If there is one thing I can’t reiterate enough it is that this is not your fault. The cheater is responsible for the affair. You didn’t choose to have this happen, and it isn’t your fault that it did. You probably handled some things imperfectly in your relationship, but everyone does – that does not give your partner the right to violate your trust.

Monster Emotion #4: Loss of Hope

In some ways this is the worst of the four roadblocks. If hopelessness really sets in, you can’t get anywhere.

I can’t just keep saying it and hoping you will believe it, but I’ll try once again: there is always hope if you and your partner are mutually dedicated to rebuilding your relationship. It takes two people working together to make a successful relationship – it takes only one to tear it apart. You can have a wonderful, trusting, loving, needs-fulfilled relationship with your partner again. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t have written this book. If you had a loving, passion-filled relationship, you can get it back.

If you start feeling hopeless, just remember the purpose of this book: to give you a way to rebuild your life.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com