The Seven Keys to Unlocking Love and Respect for Yourself

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Key #1: Assuming Personal Responsibility

You are responsible for your life, no one else is. That does not mean that you are responsible for the affair. I started this book by emphasizing that you aren’t responsible for the affair, but that you are responsible for your part in healing your relationship and making it better than ever. That holds true, but you are responsible for more than that. You are responsible for whatever actions you take to make your life what you want it to be.

When you realize that you are responsible for your life, you become empowered to live how you want to live. Take that step now. It is open to you.

Key #2: Accepting Reality

Empowering your life and assuming responsibility does not mean that all of a sudden anything will be possible. It doesn’t mean that you will get superpowers and be able to turn lead into gold.

Tempering your self-confidence with reality is the only way to continue effectively moving forward in life. If you are weak in certain areas, accept that reality. Once you have accepted it, then you can do something about it.

Key #3: Doing Things that Satisfy You Emotionally and Spiritually

What I often find with couples who come in after the revelation of one partner having an affair is that for some time, often years, they have exchanged “fun” activities for responsibilities. They have not been having fun as a couple. There has been no fun for the injured person, and until the affair, the cheater wasn’t having any fun either.

Your situation might fit this pattern, or it might not. The important point here is to look at yourself as both an individual and a part of a couple. Have you been taking time for yourself and for your relationship? Have you been having fun? Start now. Doing things that emotionally and spiritually satisfy you help make life worth living. Don’t let your current stressors stand in the way of doing what you love to do. By taking care of yourself as an individual and as a partner – without going overboard or being overly selfish – you will be more attractive to your partner.

Key #4: Reminding Yourself of Past Successes

Self-confidence and self-trust are built on past success. When you realize you have been successful at difficult challenges in the past, it is easier to find the confidence to do it again.

Take some time to sit and visualize your past successes. Set aside a time and place where you won’t be disturbed. If you aren’t disturbed now, then this is a good time.

Key #5: Envisioning Future Successes

One common misconception about catastrophizing the future is that the negative images will somehow act like a talisman and be a protection from the bad events actually materializing. But this isn’t born out by reality. In the end, ruminating on negative thoughts is simply unhealthy and unhelpful.

Key #6: Reframing Failure

Every mistake or mishap is information, and using that information provides a new opportunity for growth. Reframing failure this way is a very powerful way to reframe your life.

When people are caught up in the patterns of negativity, they tend to look at even the smallest “failure” as catastrophic. It is seen as just another example of why they are unworthy, broken people. So you didn’t do it right the first time. Give it another try, and see if you can make it work out a little better this time, utilizing the information you gained from your last experience.

Key #7: Taking Confident Action

Life is about doing things. The way you act defines who you are. What you feel affects your thinking and your behavior. What you think affects your feelings and your behavior. Your behavior affects your thinking and your feelings. These three elements of the human condition are linked inextricably.

What you do and don’t do has an immediate impact on your thoughts and feelings. Your actions change how you will feel and think. This means that if you take strong, confident action, you create the opportunity to be rewarded with a sense of self-confidence. If you don’t take strong, confident action, you deprive yourself of that opportunity. Move forward with determination in directions that are meaningful to you.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com