The Six Critical Rules for Ending an Affair

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

The following six rules are critical when you are ending an affair.

1.      Make it clear that this permanently and unconditionally marks the end of the relationship and that you will not be in contact with them after this. You need to make it clear that you will not respond to any attempts at further communication. You might need to repeat these necessities a number of times during your final contact with your paramour. I urge you to write down some of the potential responses that you will want to repeat so you can respond quickly and in a decisive manner by just reading them.

2.      If your ex-lover has questions about why you want to repair your relationship or how you are going to make it work, you don’t have to answer. Indeed, you don’t have to answer any of the questions your ex-lover may ask you.

Rather, you can repeat that the affair is over and that you want to make your relationship work. Stick to this line throughout the course of the conversation, repeating it as often as necessary.

3.      You should inform your ex-lover that if you see them again (for example, if you had an affair with someone in your office), you will not respond in the way they are accustomed. You must let them know that you will not be friends with them. You can’t be friendly in the ways to which they were accustomed. In fact, you can’t even be friendly in ways that may come naturally for you with most people.

4.      You have to be clear that if you do see your ex-lover in person again and they press you to respond to them in an intimate or comforting way or they draw you aside to talk with you out of the hearing of others, it is your responsibility to draw the line and let them know that this is not appropriate.

5.      Remember, your tone should be business-like. There is no need to be cold if the situation doesn’t require it, but be cold if you need to be. Whatever you do, you must be firm. Make it clear to your ex-lover and to yourself that this affair is over and that any remaining connections you have to one another must end as well.

6.      Close the conversation as quickly as possible; be rude if necessary.

In some extreme cases, the lover will continue to attempt to contact you by various means. Sometimes they will call you at home or at work. Sometimes they will try to contact you by e-mail or the post. Some people try to send messages through friends to their ex-lover. If this happens to you, you need to take immediate action.

If these attempted communications come in the form of phone messages, e-mails, or letters, show them to your partner, and don’t respond to them in any way. Some message systems allow you to delete messages without opening them or listening to them – I recommend this option if you and your partner agree to it.

If your ex-lover continues to attempt to contact you, even when you are ignoring them, block their number, change your number, or change your e-mail address. Do whatever is necessary to ensure that all communication comes to an end.

Sometimes this even means quitting your job, changing your gym, or changing your schedule. This might sound extreme, but keep in mind that your relationship is at stake. If you want it to work, you have to do what it takes.

If your ex-lover’s friends attempt to get in contact with you, let them know that you have ended the relationship and will not be going back to it. Also inform them that you have no interest in knowing what your ex-lover is doing, where they are going, or with whom.

None of this will be easy. You will likely face quite a lot of emotional difficulty when you end the affair. Nonetheless, it is necessary to face this pain in order to restore your relationship.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com