The Three Phases to Recovering from Infidelity

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Phase I: Individual Healing – Understanding Personal Healing and Sorting through Emotional Problems

Phase I is all about you. And when I say you, I mean whoever is reading the book. This phase (as well as most of the book) will focus primarily on the injured because they are the ones who have the most emotional turmoil to work through. However, there are specific sections in this phase for both the injured and the cheater. The cheater will probably benefit from reading the injured person’s sections and the injured person will probably benefit from reading the cheater’s section, although it is not necessary.

When people are affected by infidelity, their first instincts are to look for reasons that the affairs happened. They want to know the details of the affairs. They want to know why their loved ones did what they did. They want to know if they will ever be able to trust their partners again.

This is what I call “externalizing.” Externalizing means that people are looking outside of themselves for answers to emotional issues that are happening within them. When you first start working on your relationship after an affair, the first thing you need to do is look within yourself.

You need to stop trying to figure out the other person; you need to be honest about your own thoughts and feelings concerning the affair; and you need to shift your perspective from the outside to the inside, from the external to the internal.

Not only will Phase I help you take a good honest look at what is going on for you, it also will give you a lot of concrete strategies that will help you cope with and overcome your troubling thoughts and feelings.

Rest assured; we will get to the other things you are worried about. We will look outside as well. We will ask the hard questions. But first you need to look within. That’s what Phase I is all about.

Phase II: Healing As a Couple – Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues

After you do some work on your own reactions to this difficult experience, you will start to look more closely at the way you and your partner function as a couple.

In this phase, I will give you a step-by-step program for effectively communicating with your partner. This is a critical component in your healing process. After infidelity, communication becomes incredibly strained. But if you don’t communicate, you can never heal and you can never build your relationship into something that is beautiful and rewarding. Communication is the key to every good relationship.

We will also examine the seven critical dimensions to a good relationship, and you will be asked to explore how you might be better fulfilled in each of these dimensions. Knowing this will set the stage for rebuilding your relationship into something that is even better than anything you could have hoped for.

It is also in this phase that we will look at whether it is important for you to discuss the details of the affair. You might be surprised to know that this step isn’t always critical, and unless it is approached properly, it can do more harm than good. But I will help you navigate those waters successfully.

Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship – Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New, Trust-filled Partnership

Once you learn how to talk to one another again, it is time to actually start doing it. In this last phase of the book, I will teach you how to renegotiate your relationship.

This means carving out the time you need to spend with your partner, becoming totally transparent so they can fully trust you, and ultimately, writing a relationship contract that will ensure not only that the infidelity will never happen again but that your relationship will be better than ever.

As I mentioned earlier, this process will take time and some dedication. But isn’t saving your relationship worth that investment?

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com