When It Seems like They Will Never Forgive You

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Once you start practicing transparency, it is likely that you will start feeling a lot more positive about your relationship again. You will know that you are doing the right thing by your partner (even if they suspect you once in a while), and your guilt and shame could start to subside. This is a good sign that your relationship has the ability to heal and grow into something better than you ever dreamed.

Around this time, many cheaters face a certain amount of anger and dismay that, though they are doing the right things and are on the road to self-forgiveness, their partners don’t seem at all prepared to forgive them.

It is natural to be angry and frustrated with your partner for “not being able to get over it.” But remember this simple fact: it wasn’t your sense of safety, security, and assurance that was trampled by the affair. It was theirs. That means that it is up to them when they feel they can trust you again and truly forgive you. Sometimes, the wait might seem like forever. “After all,” you might say to yourself, “It’s over. I’ve apologized. It won’t happen again, so why can’t we just move forward.” Well, that’s easy for you to say – you aren’t the one who was betrayed by the most trusted person in your life.

It is important that you give your partner the time and space they need to heal and assure them that you will be right there with them no matter how long it takes. This kind of attitude shows them that you have taken responsibility for the affair and is a practical way to prove that you are going to stick with them through the tough times. This is going to help rebuild their confidence in you and your relationship.

If you get bogged down in hopelessness, use any of the strategies we have explored up to this point in the book. More than anything, remember to take heart. You can do this. You’ve come this far. Keep working the program and your relationship will heal.

The short-term pain of revealing these things and opening up the wounds again will help your relationship in the long run. If your relationship cannot withstand these honest revelations, then perhaps you should let go. Even if angry or hurtful exchanges result, you should see this as part of re-establishing your trust with your partner. It is one more opportunity for authentic communication, even though it might be painful.

Now that we have explored the psychological issues of each person in the partnership, it is time to start looking at your relationship. In the next chapter, we will gently approach issues in your relationship that could have lead to the affair. This information isn’t meant to be an accusation against or a judgment of the relationship – just a good hard look at the relationship you’ve had up until this point.

If you want to restore your beautiful, loving partnership, you have to do the hard work of looking at it honestly. In the next chapter, you will do just that.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about restoring the trust after an affair, please visit: http://www.surviveanaffair.com